.“Brent,” our anonymous writer, has plenty of stories to tell you – so make a weekly date with him in his column, “The Boy with the Rainbow Scarf.”
Other than being positive for HIV, I’m also positive that I’ll never find love as well in this cruel gay world in Malaysia.
Finding love as a gay man is already hard but what’s more even more difficult is finding someone who could love you if you’re a POZ. At the very mention of my status, would make other gay guys start running like Naruto.
I was diagnosed at the age of 24 and it wasn’t easy coping with this. I’m fortunate enough to finally be Undetectable now so which means, you won’t get infected even if we start making babies in bed (By this I mean, butt sex… in case you didn’t catch that). However, even being Undetectable, it still doesn’t change how people treat me.
It’s like all they see is a big ass sign that’s hovering above my head that says “RUN! HE’S POSITIVE WITH HIV!” and it’s starting to make me feel depressed. No one seems to care that I have a good job, a great personality or that I love to watch gory, horror movies while eating ayam masak merah. It doesn’t seem to matter if I take good care of my face or my body, no one seems to actually see all of this other than my status.
We are more than just our status.
But no one seems to care. No one seems to want to care.
The reason why I’m writing this is because something happened to me recently and it made me, questioned my self-worth.
I was dating this guy for about 6 months and things have been going great between us. I didn’t tell him about my status yet simply because from my past experience, it would make the start running like the Flash. So, I hid it… at least until I know if he really does love me.
In those 6 months, I must say… it was magical for someone like me. He would make time for me, take me out on these cute dates. The way that he kissed me? He would start with my forehead, nose, eyes, cheeks and then finally on my lips. I was truly in love with the guy. He made me feel so special and loved, and isn’t that what we truly want regardless of what sexual orientation or status you are?
We haven’t had sex yet though, but he never pressured me to do it (okay, I did give him a handjob in the car but that’s like, kissing for us gays right?) but the night finally came. He was at my place and we were making out like a couple of bunnies in heat. He took my shirt off, then my pants, and slowly kissed every inch of my body. This drove me wild!
The moment he spread my legs, I knew it was gonna happen so I stopped him. I hold his hands and told him to lay right next to me.
Other than finding out about my status, this was the scariest thing I ever had to do. How do you tell the guy that you’re in love with about your status?
As I lay there with him, he pulled me closer to him. As he brushes my hair with his fingers, my breathing grew deeper and heavier. I look at him in the eyes and told him about my status.
I could see it in his eyes, the way he squints his eyebrows… the look that I grew accustomed to… the look of disgust and disappointment but then, he did something unexpected.
He kissed me. He kissed me the way he has always kissed me. With each touch of his lips on my skin, I could feel my eyes start to tear up.
I ended up sleeping safely in his arms. I thought I finally found the one who’s going to love me for the rest of my life. Maybe finally, I have found my happiness.
I could feel the sun on my skin and I knew morning had come. I was ready to open my eyes to look at my man’s beautiful face but all I saw was an empty bed and an imprint of where he’s supposed to be. It felt like my hands automatically searched for his body, it yearns to feel his face… As I curled up in bed, my arms wrapped around me. Trying to hold me from breaking into pieces.
I cried… I cried and cried till my eyes couldn’t produce anymore tears and then I heard the door creaking open. I pulled myself out from the sheets and there he was, standing with food in his hands.
He placed the food on the table and started sprinting to me, he saw me crying and he held me in his arms again. He asked me what’s wrong, why am I crying?
I hold him in my arms and I told him that I thought he left.
He flicked my forehead and told me:
“Leave you? I love you, dumbass.”